FILMTRACKER.COM

TITLE:              SAMPLE SCRIPT

AUTHOR:          Joe Writer

LOGLINE:  An ex-con man, who now runs a service that provides adulterers with alibis, is forced to pull off one last scam after he’s asked to cover up a murder and also falls foul of a Mormon crook.

COMMENTS:  This screenplay is not without flaws, but they are all superficial and minimal development could shape this into a near-perfect feature.  This author has created an intelligent, gripping and downright fun thriller that offers some neat twists and turns in a plot populated by fascinating characters.  Ultimately then, this pic is definitely worth a read and, at the very least, considered it as a writing sample.

ELEMENTS/NOTE:       

In a San Francisco office building, a bank of receptionists field phone calls from women looking for their husbands.  The receptionist makes excuses for the husbands, or in other words provides their adultery-indulging clients with airtight alibis.  However, this morning, MRS. HATCH insists that she has an emergency so she wants to speak with her husband right away.  Mrs. Hatch is so desperate, in fact, that the receptionist, VANESSA, calls the owner of the company, RAY ELLIOT (37), and explains the situation.  Ray is at lunch with LOLA (25), who’s been working with him for six months and he’s presently trying to avoid the gaze of a man from his past, PUTTY, who enters the restaurant with a casino owner named MORMON and his entourage.  Ray uses his cell phone to get hold of MR. HATCH, who’s screwing a blonde in a hotel room, and patches him through to his wife.  Having handled the crisis, Ray turns back just in time to see Putty approach his table.  Putty recognizes Ray as BENNY SMOOTH, a con man he used to work with in Chicago.  However, Ray insists those days are way behind him and he gives Putty the brush-off.

After Ray leaves the restaurant with Lola, the Mormon asks Putty who he was.  One of the Mormon’s three wives, ADELLE, thinks he was cute.  Putty explains about Ray’s past but now he’s supposedly gone legit.  The Mormon doesn’t buy it; he orders Putty to find out what Ray is into.  Later that day, Ray meets with Mr. Hatch and promises that a screw-up comparable to what happened that morning won’t ever happen again.  He’s since assigned Lola to his case to ensure that won’t happen.  Mr. Hatch is satisfied, but he wants a favor from Ray.  His son, WENDELL, is about to get married, yet he’s nervous about the F-word: Forever.  Therefore, Mr. Hatch wants to pay for Ray to arrange it so Wendell can spend a weekend with his lover in a Monterey hotel.  Ray agrees.

Having checked in using Ray’s credit card, Wendell screws his mistress, AUDREY PRICE, in Monterey.  Meanwhile, Ray uses Wendell’s identification to go to a Los Angeles business convention.  That first night, however, Wendell calls Ray in a panic.  During a violent sex session, Wendell strangled Audrey and now she’s dead.  Freaking out, Wendell virtually blackmails Ray into helping him cover up his crime.  Desperate, Ray calls Putty and asks for his help.  Putty is only to happy to lend a hand.  With his partner BOBO in tow, Putty drives to the Monterey hotel and disposes of the corpse.  As for Wendell, he drives to LA, meets up with Ray and spends the rest of the weekend there to cement his alibi.  Ray, meanwhile, reports his credit card stolen and returns to San Francisco.  Once there, he meets up with Lola and tells her to provide him with his own alibi – i.e. they spent the previous night sleeping together.

Three days later, Ray receives a visit from DET. REBECCA BRYCE, who’s searching for Audrey.  She takes Ray’s photo and plans to show it to the owner of the Monterey hotel.  Bryce knows about Ray’s past so she’s suspicious of him.  However, Ray recounts why he left Chicago – he had fallen for his boss’s wife – and explains that he’s a changed man.  That afternoon, Putty and Bobo drive Ray out to the Mormon’s house.  The Mormon requests that Ray start working for him.  He uses his knowledge of the murder cover-up to blackmail Ray into providing him with alibis. 

Unwilling to cover-up more crimes, Ray meets with Mr. Hatch and asks him to persuade Wendell to turn himself in.  Mr. Hatch agrees, but that night Wendell and a couple of his buddies try to beat Ray up in a bar.  Ray defends himself then learns from the Mormon that Mr. Hatch is looking to put a contract hit on him.  He also gets roughed up by Audrey’s boyfriend, HANNIBAL, and his thugs, CRAZY EIGHT and STUMP.  Caught between a rock and a hard place, Ray decides he needs to uses his old tricks to get all these people off his back.  What’s more, Lola turns out to be the daughter of the guy who taught him everything he knows and she wants to learn how to be a con-artist.  After recruiting the help of SYKES and LEROY, Ray puts his plan into action.

Ray sends flowers to Adelle from “Bob” so that the Mormon becomes violently jealous.  After bugging his phone lines and learning that the Mormon has business at the Huntington Hotel that Friday night, Ray invites Adelle to meet him there.  Lola then calls Mr. Hatch, tells him she got fired, and invites him to meet her at the same hotel.  Ray calls MATHEW KLUMP (71), the owner of the Monterey Hotel and tells him he’s won a weekend stay at the Huntington; he’ll even get a limo ride.  Meanwhile, Sykes and Leroy pose as cops and lead Wendell into a police station to question him about Ray.  Having rigged one of the station’s interrogation rooms to make it appear as though it’s out of use, Ray hides in the observation room and watches the interview.  Wendell is squirming, but he thinks he’s being handed the opportunity to hang Ray for the crime.  But then Leroy snaps his photo and explains they’ll slip it into a pile of shots they’re going to show Klump.  After all, Wendell is innocent so he’s got nothing to worry about.  They also mention that they’re bringing Klump to town – he’s going to be staying at the Huntington.

The following night, everyone descends on the Huntington Hotel as planned.  But Ray’s plan goes awry when Mr. Hatch tells Lola that he already got them a room.  As a result, he leads her into room 1015 as opposed to the agreed-upon 1011.  Lola has Mr. Hatch get naked for her then hides in the closet.  Meanwhile, Detective Bryce is led to room 1011 where she’s surprised to find Klump.  In the lobby, Ray pays SIDNEY to direct Adelle to room 1015.  She walks in and undresses only to find a confused Mr. Hatch waiting for her.  As for the Mormon, Putty and Bobo, they head for 1015 expecting to find Adelle with the mysterious “Bob.”  When they burst in on Mr. Hatch, he begins to have a heart attack.  Down the hall, Wendell knocks on 1011, intent on killing Klump (because he can identify him).  Klump immediately recognizes Wendell so Bryce pulls her gun on him. 

Meanwhile, Hannibal and his goons have shown up, too.  Realizing things are getting out of control, Ray stalls them and heads upstairs to pull Lola out of there.  Soon though, everyone congregates in the hallway and a Mexican standoff ensues.  Bryce trains her gun on the Mormon, Putty, Bobo, Hannibal, Crazy Eight, Stump and Wendell.  During the confusion, Ray pulls Lola into an elevator.  Desperate to catch him, the others all pile into a second elevator.  Bryce notifies her backup that six armed men are in one of the elevators.  In the lobby, a small army of cops escort Ray and Lola outside and lie in wait for the second elevator to arrive.  Ray and Lola are about to slip away when Bryce appears and arrests him.  Eight months later, Ray gets out of jail and starts a new legit business with Lola, providing fraud consultation to large firms…

It takes a while before this screenplay really gets up to speed because the last 30 or 40 pages require an exhaustive setup.  However, once the protagonist puts his scam into action, the result is extremely entertaining.  In short, this is a complex yet highly intelligent thriller that is bolstered by some sharp character work and above-average dialogue.  If the narrative can be developed to streamline the first and second acts, and perhaps add a dose more humor, then this could evolve into a really cool movie.  At the very least, this material should be considered as a writing sample.

The premise is simple: an ex-con man, who now runs a service that provides adulterers with alibis, is forced to pull off one last scam after he’s asked to cover up a murder and also falls foul of a Mormon crook.  Without a doubt, the third act is the strongest part of this screenplay and everything leading up to it feels like pure setup.  We don’t really mind though because the payoff is so darn satisfying.  Protagonist Ray’s plan to get everyone off his back is nothing short of brilliant and the writer does a tremendous job of crafting all the details and characters into a cohesive whole.  This is undoubtedly a complex tale, yet the author never loses us and we thoroughly enjoy every minute of it.

Once the second act kicks in, we become a little concerned that the plot is following a slightly predictable path.  When Wendell accidentally kills his mistress, we suspect the remainder of the story is going to concentrate on this element and how it affects Ray.  Thankfully, this is still only a lead-in for the grand finale in which Ray manipulates seven different parties (the Mormon and his gang; Hannibal’s crew; Wendell; Mr. Hatch; Adelle, Det. Bryce; and Klump) into screwing themselves and getting him off the hook.  If the first 70 could be developed to incorporate a little more humor to up the overall entertainment level, then this could become an incredibly slick movie.

On another positive note, the character work is excellent.  Despite his crooked past and his current occupation of helping adulterers, Ray is an immensely likable hero and the author brings him to life with some witty and punchy dialogue.  For example, Ray’s recounting of his Chicago days is engaging stuff and we later discover it’s all B.S. because he’s simply got the gift of the gab.  The secondary players are equally well written.  Lola is a perfect love interest, even though her family tree feels a tad contrived; Hannibal and his motley crew provide some decent comic relief (this could be upped however); Wendell is a nicely craft instigator for the whole affair; and finally, the Mormon is an antagonist whom we love to hate.

Overall, this screenplay is not without flaws, but they are all superficial and minimal development could shape this into a near-perfect feature.  This author has created an intelligent, gripping and downright fun thriller that offers some neat twists and turns in a plot populated by fascinating characters.  Ultimately then, this script is definitely worth a read and, at the very least, consider it as a writing sample.