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15 Rules To Be A Perfect Assistant
by Julie Winters
The world of assistant-ing is more complicated than it seems. Not only will you be assisting an executive of (hopefully) greater experience and (dare we suggest) intelligence than you, you will also be defending yourself from the perils of inter-office relations. This includes getting fired, ruining your reputation or worse, ending up on internet gossip boards that call you an incompetent know-nothing. Below is a list of guidelines to help you navigate your way through the assistant world (relatively) unscathed. Learn them. Live them. Be them.
1. Be Discreet
The utmost important thing when you are working for someone else is to never reveal anything to anyone about your boss. If someone calls for your boss and asks where he or she
is, simply say that he or she
is "unavailable." Never assume that any information is okay to give out, even if its to your boss's parents or wife/husband. Some people are weird like this, and as an assistant, it is your job to cater to that weirdness. The longer you work for your boss, the easier it will be to decipher to whom it is okay to give any information. Please also refer to Rule #2, as described below.
2. Don't Be Afraid to Play Dumb
Never be afraid to play dumb. Especially if the person you are talking to has never spoken to you directly before, pretend you are the new intern who is "just covering." That way they won't question you when you don't know anything. People expect that interns working for free are stupid. EXPLOIT THEIR EXPECTATIONS.
3. Never Panic
Many smart and tricky assistants/agents/execs/family members will try to pressure you into giving out information. DO NOT GIVE OUT INFORMATION, and DO NOT PANIC. Panic causes you to fuck up. Whenever in doubt, put someone on hold to give yourself time to figure out what to do. Chances are, in an emergency situation, you can reach your boss faster than anyone else. Get a phone number where the person can be reached and tell them you will notify your boss that there is an urgent situation. Just because something is urgent to the person calling, it doesn't mean that it will be urgent to your boss. Let the person calling decide if you should present the situation to your boss as an emergency and then let your boss decide what to do.
4. Be a Perfectionist (a.k.a. Don't Be An Idiot)
Your utmost attention must go into EVERYTHING that you do (especially the stupid stuff). It's the most simple mistakes that make you and your boss (and your company) look bad. Don't let these simple things get between you and a good recommendation (or another paycheck). For example:
- Make sure all names are spelled correctly (even if you have to call the person's office).
- Count ALL pages of the scripts that you copy. If the script is going to someone extremely important, count the pages twice.
- Make sure everything coming out of your office is neat (nothing crossed out, no white out, no wrinkles, etc.). People who do not know you and/or your company will judge you solely on presentation.
- Develop an organization system for your office so that you can find ANYTHING on a moment's notice.
5. Always Take the Initiative
There is nothing more annoying than someone who waits to be told what to do. It is your job to anticipate your boss's needs and what needs to be done before it becomes an issue. If there is down time, do not talk to your friends on AIM (until you've been at your job at least 6 months). File, read, boss the interns around. Do something. Anything.
If you need a question answered, try to find the answer yourself before annoying your co-workers or other people's assistants. You will be surprised at how many people expend more energy trying to get other people to do their job for them than they would doing it themselves. Don't be one of those people. They are annoying and everybody hates them.
6. Know When To Think and When to Shut Up and Do What You Are Told
There is a fine line between thinking too much and not thinking enough in the assistant world. When in doubt, do exactly as your boss tells you (not the way you think something should be done, especially if you work for a psychopath). That way, it will be his or her fault if it goes wrong. However, if there is clearly a "better" way to do something, and utilizing that way will avoid getting you yelled at, do that, but never reveal that you were thinking on your own. For more information on why you don't want your boss to know you are thinking on your own, please refer to Rule #8, and the dangers of your boss feeling threatened by you.
7. Know Who Your Boss Is (or Who Pays You)
If people who call you get pissed off at you (and believe me, some of them will think of a reason), don't worry about it (unless that they are mad about something your boss would be mad at, too). YOU WORK FOR THE PERSON WHO PAYS YOU, not all of his or her friends and colleagues. Be polite, but always put your boss first. Feel free to mention, "I'll let my boss know you feel that way," as a way to stop their bitching. Also, whenever you need to say something offensive or condescending to someone who is convinced they are more important than you, always preface it with, "With all due respect…" This is one of the most helpful prefaces, as "all the respect that is due" to him or her might be none at all. However, as these self-important pricks always assume they are owed tremendous amounts of respect, they will take it as a compliment. Alas, the ability to insult someone without them even knowing it -- an important skill for surviving the assistant world.
8. Only Admit to Guilt When There's No Alternative
The best policy to utilize when you fuck up (and you will) is COVER IT UP. If there is any way to strategically hide your mistake & keep as many people from discovering it as possible, do it. YOU MUST USE EXTREME CAUTION when doing this, however. The consequences of getting caught can be disastrous (i.e. losing your job), even worse than taking the heat for the actual fuck up. If people find out you "cover up" they will no longer trust you and think that you lie about everything. Your boss will be threatened by the idea that you are smarter than he or she. Especially if it's true (and especially if you are a woman working for a woman -- you all remember ALL ABOUT EVE, don't you?). That being said, only do this if you have a relatively high IQ.
As an amendment to Rule #8, never rat out someone else to save your ass. Aside from being completely immoral (for those of you scumbags who need more of a reason), you never know where that "scapegoat" will be in a year, or who they are friends with now. Your reputation is all you have in this town. Protect it.
In defense of the idiots who will rat you out (and they will), know that many assistants live in constant fear. In one moment they can go from their comfortable "just-squeaking-by-on-an-assistant's-salary" status to homeless and "back-to-mom-and-dad's-in-the-valley." You can see why the latter option is less appealing to them than blaming the scheduling (or whatever) screw up on you, even if it isn't your fault. Never sink to these idiots' level - your boss is the only one who matters, let them deceive their own if need be. Beware of these people, and remember who they are. It's important to always know with whom you are dealing.
9. Save Everything (a.k.a. Cover your ass)
And I mean everything. Especially fax confirmations. This rule should protect you from the idiots described in the rule above. Always have proof to back you up when you are in the right. Also, you don't want to be put in the position of having to tell your boss that you were stupid enough to throw away that spec you passed on last month which has just sold to Dreamworks for $1.5 against $2 million.
10. Never Pretend to Know What You Don't
If your boss asks you a question to which you have absolutely no answer, don't make up stupid shit because you will most likely get caught later. Then you'll exhaust yourself covering it up, and all that useful energy (that you could be using to post horrific rumors on iFilmpro about your co-workers) will have been wasted for nothing. Every once in awhile, it is okay to say, "I don't know, but I'll find out." This way, your boss will trust that you actually know what you are talking about when you do have an answer. Even if you made it up.
11. Know Who Your Friends Are In Hollywood, that means no one.
A wise (but drunk) man once said, "Never trust a person who says to you, 'I would never fuck you over,' because that means they already have." Everyone has an agenda and something they want to "get" from you. Learn to distinguish between these people and the ones who still like you when you have nothing to give them but friendship. Hang onto these people. Recognize the others for what they are, and use them to the same degree. Don't feel bad, that's what Hollywood is all about.
12. Always Return Favors
When people go out of their way to help you, let them know you will do the same for them. Sometimes even the smallest gesture (like sending them a video of your company's last movie) will reaffirm their faith in humanity, and more importantly, make them want to help you out again. On an obvious side note, don't continue to help people who don't go out of their way to help you. If you act like a carpet…well, you know.
13. "Don't shit where you eat, don't fuck where you work."
The great Aristophanes has spoken. Enough said. And yes, that includes blow jobs.
14. Know When to Leave
There is no better way to ruin a relationship than by sticking around too long. You don't want your boss to feel about you the way you felt about that freshman year girlfriend/boyfriend that JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY.
Sure Signs That Your Time Has Come to Move on Include:
- When you tell people how long you've been at your company, they all ask when you are going to leave or get promoted. If the latter isn't looking possible, get a new job.
- More than 1 year has gone by since you started.
- You start arriving to work later & later each day
- Your boss comes in every morning and says, "You still here?"
15. Never Sell Your Soul
The most important thing to remember is no job is worth compromising your morals, whatever they may be. If you have a serious problem with lying, you may want to consider getting out of the entertainment industry now, as it is a skill required from all execs, agents and assistants. You can try to avoid it, but you probably won't get very far because no one will like you.
Something to remember for the future: Just because you win an Academy Award doesn't mean there's no room for you in hell.
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